Book.

Snippet of Chapter 1..

I'm working on a book. Here's a snippet of Chapter 1, should I continue?

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In a state of bewilderment and confusion, I raised my tiresome head from the charred remains of corpses that plagued the ground below me. Regaining my thoughts of where I am, obstructed, momentarily, the sea of deformed skeletons that laid below. My recollection of events prior to my abrupt awakening were blurred and sporadically interrupted by the repugnant stench of rotting flesh that occupied the sinister surroundings, reminiscent of industrial pollution that pervades London town. After the mist of bemusement began to dissipate, the shadowy environment became clear. It became apparent that I was being overshadowed by an eerie Gothic Church, meticulously engraved in an alien language unbeknownst to anything I've seen before, its monstrous height extending towards the heavens shrouded in aphotic clouds. The Gothic architecture mimicking the malignant carpet that was beneath my feet as it became obvious that an unearthed cemetery was what I was standing upon. An overwhelming sense of dread fell upon my shivering body as the rapid palpitations acoustically illuminated the menacing surroundings. Before I could evaluate why I was in this ghastly predicament, a malevolent groan erupted from below, catalysing the instinct to seek the safety of the Church. Running frantically towards the confines of the Church, refusing to look back for the source of the utterance, the crunching of the corpses below eerily pierce my ears as I reach the deteriorating doors, the aegis that protects the mysterious interior.     

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10 things that annoy me. (part one)

10 things that annoy me. (Part 1 of infinity)

I think the best way for you to know me is if I just list everything that tends to annoy me, that way you can get a perspective of my personality and my views. 

1) Nicki Minaj

Fairly obvious choice and is probably on everyone else's list. The reason I don't like this grotesque example of a disfigured plastic doll is because her lyrics are nonsensical and she seems to single-handedly ruin the english language every time she releases a new song, she's the figurative equivalent of a common cold, no matter how many times you steer clear of her she's always coming back worse. 

2) Burping without warnings

I don't mind burping if it comes with a warning beforehand, otherwise it's like a fog horn amalgamated with the scented contents of your previous snack. Heck, just cover your mouth but a warning is suffice for me to duck and cover before the monstrosity vacates your stomach and dissipates throughout the room leaving an unwarranted stench that could have been prevented. There's always this seemingly memetic need to elongate the burp for as long as possible, as if it's a competition to see who takes the crown for the filthiest prick.  

3) Repetitive people

This isn't really the fault of people if they have the memory span of an amoeba but it's something that gets on my nerves, there seems to be this incessant need to repeat a story (which was boring to hear the first time) repetitively until the person is wishing for someone to blow their face off (with a gun). I don't care if someone gave you a handjob using jam for the second time, just try to remember how much I didn't care the first time you told the story. 

This brings me to people who feel the need to constantly whine about something that has been said over and over, the most annoying one is "I hate it when people use hashtags on facebook" and they end up getting 50+ likes or RTs. Ah that's original there, you're definitely on for a Nobel prize with that observation you copy-cat cunt (You know you love the alliteration). It's not as if that phrase has been said over and over, it's the fact that people know this yet continue to invoke it as some sort of fantastic breakthrough in social networking. Just fuck off. 

4) "Gangstas"

This tends to be a phenomenon (or I call it mental deficiency) that tends to pollute people who think that they're gangstas because they wear a snapback and talk as if they suffer from some sort of speech impediment, they also tend to favor wearing their boxers down to their knees, like some sort of eager prostitute. Now having more STIs than GCSEs is nothing to be proud of and making a street rap "video" that gets a few hundred views on youtube doesn't make you a known rapper. There seems to be this fascination with getting the "Pz" which means money and getting "the bitches" which is ironic because they're living in a council block and tend to be surrounded by 20 men behind them, as if someone decided to make a homosexual estate porno. 

5) Religitards

I don't mind religion if you keep it to yourself that's fine, but it's when there seems to be a need to intertwine it with politics and how people wish to live their lives. There seems to be this fixation on annoyingly bugging everyone about their beliefs or threatening them with their fictitious hell, which is like threatening an adult with the boogeyman. If you want to drink the blood of a jewish zombieman that lived 2000 years ago then do so with the scientology nutjobs, but don't inflict your mental instability on people who wish to stay in reality. Thanks. 

6) Twitter/Facebook famous people/Sticking out your tongue

Well done, you've got more than a thousand followers/subscribers because of your ability to regurgitate nine year old nuances about shit that only nine year olds (or people of that mental age) care about. Just because you can make a constipated face with your tongue out doesn't mean anything, it just means you can make a good stroke victim impression, good luck with the real life that you lead unless you want to be a a stroke victim actor or tongue model, which I doubt there are many jobs in that area, unless you count politics (licking people's asses if you don't get it or having suffered from a stroke). 

7) Disabled people

I'm only joking, that'd be sick!

7) Worrying about everything

This is an affliction I "suffer" from and it annoys the hell out of me. No matter how stable my life is (and it is incredibly stable) there's always something I unnecessarily worry about, be it worrying if I've got enough pair of socks until I have to reuse them (not to wank with, dirty bastard, but they do come in handy) or wondering whether I left that tap on when I've left. 

God knows what it'd be like if I lived in a third world country, they probably worry less than me, even though they're dodging tigers and needing to know whether they'll have any water the next day. Really shows how pathetic I am!

8) Fucking tearing up

Depends on the mood I'm in but it is impossible for me not to tear up at a film that has the smallest amount of 'tear jerker' moments, it's actually embarrassing when you're the one tearing up in a room and everyone else is just "it's just a film", yeah well my retort of "it could happen someday" probably doesn't work when we're watching "Finding Nemo". Schindler's List, on the other hand, works in my favor. 

9) People taking photographs

Them people that feel the need to take a photograph without your permission and then make it worse by posting it on a social networking site and it's always the ones that are the worst, at least with ones you gave permission you can prepare yourself or attempt to delete the picture while the person isn't looking. This tends to be my technique, I'm not exactly blessed with 'photogenicisim' or in layman's terms, I'm not the best looking, so the best way is to delete the picture and pretend nothing happened. This tends to be what all the twitter/facebook famous people do, over indulge themselves in photoshop so that when people meet them in real life they wonder whether they recently suffered a stroke or were involved in a car crash. 

10) Thinking you know someone then realizing it's not them

Just casually walking and then seeing someone that appears from the back, to be someone you know, then walking up to them and realizing it's not them. However that sudden realization tends to be too late when they've just assessed you as being a weird stalker that has stared at them for a solid ten minutes. You're basically one mark off a sexual predator in their eyes and the ensuing awkwardness that cloaks the moments of walking away tends to stay with you every time you think you see someone you know. Ever since that moment, there is your subconscious telling you to blank them even if it could be them.